Space to take inventory of one's own needs

The greatest challenge transitioning from a socialisation / authoritative based vocabulary that suggests we make choices based on the specification of others, to an individual vocabulary based on true self-expression, is based on how well someone takes personal responsibility of their needs during connective conversations. For me, the last few weeks have provided numerous challenges across my professional and personal life, with a mixed range of emotions and results that accompany this progress. Taking a step back from all the conflict, I recognise that the greatest cause of my ongoing heartache is the ability to remain independent of another’s influence, and minimise my capacity to merge responsibility of someone else’s personal needs, as a part or extension of, my own needs.

A moment of wake-up this week was an episode of Trinkets – a new show on Netflicks exploring the complicated lives of a group of teens, that shoplift items in an attempt to fill a void of unfulfillment in their personal relationships. A boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic explored the anger inflicted on the female when she refused to be bullied into the submission of her autonomy by her partner. The power-play dynamic focused on the females’ lack of support from her friends and parents, when she finally recognised that the relationship was damaging her self-esteem, and ability to function normally. Her integrity was challenged by everyone around her (except her fellow shoplifting friends she keeps separate on the down-low,) because of the shame she was experiencing for needing to take such drastic actions to regain her sense of self, sperate from everyone else in her life. While this situation was not resolved, the exploration of the characters needs recognised how isolation limits one’s ability to discern personal and relational choices, creating such a situation in the first place.

In another example, I witnessed the complete breakdown of communication between a number of participants during an important business conversation. It was apparent that one instigator had actively chosen to outright lie and falsify correspondence to cover their irresponsibility, rather than own up to their mistake in the first place. The need for transparency during a business dealing was integral to resolving the issue, yet accountability could not be obtained as distortion of the truth created further suspicion of other participants’ needs. A simple need for clarity was an acceptable request in this instance, however the one instigators’ desire for privacy in an authoritative position, could not be challenged by other persons involved at that moment in time.

One book I have just finished reading, explores the space of what a need looks like. The author suggests that the formation of patterns that do not serve our relational needs, occurs through a process of denial:

• Needs gradually go unmet through the circumstances of our important relationships, and the influence of others’ needs as superior to our own

• We experience injury to our soul while attempting to have our needs met

• We make our legitimate needs bad and unworthy of consideration

• We deny our own needs completely

• We develop bad solutions and harmful coping mechanisms after the fact

• We generate labels in an attempt to separate the fruit and the root of a needs problem

As someone who has held this false belief, completely denying the existence of their personal need’s, I now understand that when experiencing this sensation of doubt in one’s basic needs occurs, feelings can assist with generating the solid masses around us in an intersecting 3D longitude and latitude of our lives. For example, my need for physical touch – while in a space of denial, could result in a lack of warmth from withholding a hug. However, the memory of feeling closeness in a friendship, generates a change of action to reach out and request this physical connection once again. The process between need, feeling, and physical action demonstrates the transcendence of a personal need into an experiential, relational need.

Further reflection also suggests that the shift of one’s needs can be both an individual internal space as well as a relational space that occurs simultaneously. A personal need for beauty may look like an act of self care to the individual, whereas relationally, this may be making space in the day to go for a walk outside and enjoy the bloom of native wildflowers. To live this experience, based on an individual and relational level, a feeling of expansion radiates outward from the individual, providing a sense of security in one’s own needs being met, as well as confidence in their ability to translate their vocabulary of self-expression, outward into the world.

For me, the feeling I experience when my needs are being met, is total relaxation during complete silence. In body, mind, and spirit, I am able to obtain a full night’s rest without waking abruptly during the dream-state. During the day, this transpires as mutually benefitable and equal relationships, based on consideration and respect of each individual’s limitations. While I acknowledge I am still taking inventory of my own needs, my library of personal understanding can provide a reference for similar individuals that share this same thirst for knowledge and greater capacity for personal fulfillment. It may take a few more years, but every library in history wasn’t built in a day.